Joyce Simons

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If You’re Planning to Kill Someone, Learn How to Do It Right

Killing someone on the written page is almost always fun. But like so many activities, it’s rarely done as skillfully by amateurs as by professionals. Which is why it’s important to learn from the masters.

It’s one of the reasons why I attended this year’s Book Passage Mystery Writers Conference in Corte Madera, CA. I’d never heard of the conference until I read about it in Hallie Ephron’s excellent how-to book, Writing and Selling Your Mystery Novel. And I’d never heard of Corte Madera either. How could an independent bookstore in a small corner of Marin County host a conference that attracts mystery writers from near and far?

I soon learned what can be accomplished if you’re passionate about crime novels and compassionate toward those of us hoping to launch careers writing them. Tucked away behind rows and rows of smartly organized books of all kinds, and a staff as helpful as they are knowledgeable, were two meeting rooms big enough to hold scores of participants and an illustrious faculty. (I didn’t count the number of participants but there were 27 faculty members, resulting in a teacher/student ratio so high that it was impossible not to interact with them one-on-one at some point during the four-day conference.) My first impression upon arriving at the bookstore reminded me of the Indiana Jones Adventure at Disneyland, where visitors queue up outside a room that feels so small that it makes you wonder if you’ve just signed up for an adventure in claustrophobia. And then the doors to the ride open, and you just know that you’re on the threshold of an unforgettable thrill ride.

Book Passage

And so it went for the next three days. Just when I started to wonder how something might turn out, I was led to a little pot of gold. Here are just a few highlights of my conference experience:

  • Dinner with bestselling author and fellow Francophile, Cara Black, on opening night during which we compared notes on writing mysteries set in France. Very humbling! Cara has written 17 novels in the Aimée Leduc series and won all sorts of honors from the French government for her accomplishments.
  • Chatting over wine and cheese with Sara Blaedel, one of Denmark’s most successful crime writers, about the way the three-act structure she defines gives her the freedom to make discoveries during the writing process.
  • Being high-fived by Vilaska Nguyen, a San Francisco Public Defender, for getting my novel to the point where it’s ready to be pitched to literary agents. At a panel discussion of legal and forensics experts, Vilaska demonstrated the three fundamentals of cross-examination on a poor, unsuspecting audience member with such panache that he left me crying with laughter.
  • Taking a coffee break with author and editor Joe Clifford, who had an uncanny ability to fill my head with absurd little earbugs, like: Did you know that Popeye could have gotten as much iron from watermelon as from spinach? Who knew?
  • Practicing pitching my novel to bestselling author Mary Kubica, who warned me that she wasn’t sufficiently negative to be a decent pitch partner. But she gave me the best possible pitch experience for just that reason. Her patience and encouragement put me at ease and her feedback was invaluable.
  • Challenging award-winning author Tony Broadbent to write his next novel about the zombification of Shakespeare’s Juliet after she drank Friar Laurence’s sleeping potion. But only after learning from medical expert and crime author D.P. Lyle that it’s possible to zombify someone temporarily, though not without the risk of permanent damage.
  • Meeting the utterly charming crime author William C. Gordon, who sponsored the scholarship I won to the conference, and asking him to sign a copy of his latest novel as: To my best friend Joyce, from “the money,” Willie Gordon. Later, when I peeked at what he had written, I discovered that he had obliged me.
  • Enjoying champagne and brownies with FBI agent and author George Fong as he described the most extraordinarily brutal killing spree he investigated during his 27-year FBI career.
  • Being transfixed by the legendary Isabel Allende as she spoke to the audience about her life, her work, and her new lover!
Isabel Allende
Isabel Allende at the 2017 Book Passage Mystery Writers Conference

If it feels like I’m dropping names, just know that the intimacy of the Book Passage Mystery Writers Conference makes it impossible not to rub elbows with the authors you admire. What I neglected to mention is that at least 30 events (classes, panel discussions, writing intensives, etc.) were held over the four days, not counting the private consultations we could schedule with faculty members and meals we all shared throughout the conference.

I’d like to wind down this post with a story that has little to do with the conference but has everything to do with the element of surprise that’s critical to a good mystery, and echoes the moments of synchronicity that I felt throughout my four days at Book Passage.

At the end of a staggeringly long first day at Book Passage (my flight from Seattle to San Francisco had been delayed by hours, so I arrived somewhat zombified myself), I requested a Lyft ride back to my hotel. Lately I’d been thinking a lot about Sam Shepard, playwright, actor, and as many of my female friends agree, “the perfect man.” The man who won ten Obie Awards, wrote 44 plays, received the Pulitzer Prize for Drama, and was nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of Chuck Yeager in The Right Stuff died last month and the world lost a staggering talent. When Geoff my Lyft driver arrived, he asked me what brought me to Corte Madera. I explained how I’m trying to transition to a career as a mystery novelist. And then he told me about his good friend who spent his entire career trying to get out the story he wanted to tell, and died feeling like he never succeeded, though he had achieved a certain degree of celebrity. I wondered who it was but dared not ask since it was clear that Geoff was still mourning the loss of his friend. So instead, I extended my heartfelt condolences. And then Geoff thanked me and said, “Maybe you’ve heard of him. His name was Sam Shepard.”

Meeting Geoff reminded me that if you set your intention, the universe often gives you what you need even if it doesn’t match what you think you want. I would have loved to meet Sam Shepard. But the stories about him that inspired me on that Lyft ride could only have been shared by someone with the perspective of a good friend. Going into the Book Passage Mystery Writers Conference, I had hoped to meet a literary agent who would offer me representation right there on the spot. But the people I met and the feedback I received helped me improve my pitch and my chances of finding the right agent for me.

So on that note, I’d like to thank Kathryn Petrocelli, Karen West, and the rest of the amazing team at Book Passage for organizing, coordinating, and in so many other ways, making the 2017 Mystery Writers Conference possible– and making it the terrific experience it was. It’s easy to focus on your enjoyment of something and not consider the months and months of intense planning, research, and hard work it took to bring it to life.

Which is an apt metaphor for reading and writing a novel, when you think about it.

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Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks

These days, all my social activities with friends who are parents of school-age kids have been put on hold while they gear up for the new school year. If I had kids, I’d be swinging from the rafters at the thought of having my weekdays (or part of them, anyway) back to myself. And then I thought that I do have kids; they just happen to be of the canine variety. And it got me thinking: is it really impossible to teach old dogs new tricks?

I have one new dog, who’s six years old and highly trainable. No problem with new tricks there. And I have one older dog, who’s twelve and has never been trainable, not even by the best trainer I know. Getting her to sit on command reminds me of the scene in Skyfall when the villain, played by Javier Bardem, bemoans the senselessness of Bond’s refusal to do what he wants and ends by lamenting, “It’s exhausting.” In fact, I often try to mimic his accent when I say the same thing to my “senior” dog.

Javier Bardem in SKYFALL

And then I realized that transitioning to a new career means I have to send myself back to school and be open to new tricks. Luckily for me, I love learning new things. In just the past month, I’ve signed myself up for three new learning experiences:

  • Survival strategies, which combines practical self-defense techniques with tactical handheld weaponry. I do not like guns, though I enjoy target practice. And I loathe knives except to slice, dice, chop, julienne, and otherwise cut food. I’m more of an air horn girl. One blast of that thing should send an intruder careening toward the exit signs. But it’s not a suitable accessory for a small purse. Better to know how to wriggle out of an attacker’s grip and run to safety brandishing pepper spray if need be. It’s something that my protagonist, Maxime Martin, had better know how to do too, sans pepper spray.
  • The University of Washington’s Certificate in Private Investigation. At the recommendation of crime novelist Ingrid Thoft, to whom I’ll forever be grateful for turning me onto this program, I applied for admission and I’ll be sitting in the classroom this fall. I can’t wait to learn how to “uncover the facts and expose the truth,” according to the program description, because Maxime will need this know-how for the sequel to my first novel, A SCANDAL IN NICE.
  • The Book Passage Mystery Writers Conference, which was recommended to me by Hallie Ephron, author of my favorite how-to book, Writing and Selling Your Mystery Novel. This conference starts in a couple of weeks, about the same time that my friends’ kids will be facing their first day of school.

I’ve never been to a writers’ conference, so I don’t know exactly what to expect. And being reasonably new to mystery writing, I had never heard of the Book Passage Mystery Writers Conference. So I googled it and found a blog post by mystery writer Katherine Bolger Hyde. What a find— and what an inspiration! She describes how she struggled for ten years to launch her career as a mystery writer. And then, in the space of about ten months, she applied for a scholarship to this conference, won the scholarship, attended the conference, met literary agent Kimberley Cameron, became her client, and ended up with a two-book deal.

It didn’t take this “old dog” (though I prefer “young pup,” but let’s be real) more than ten minutes to follow the scent to the Book Passage website, sniff out information about the scholarship, send in my submission, think good thoughts, and prepare to wait for a reply.

And last week I got the news: I am the recipient of this year’s William Gordon scholarship! WOOT!!!

So while my friends’ kids gather their school supplies and agonize over what they’ll wear on their first day of school, I’ll be doing the same things. Only I’ll be jetting down to San Francisco to begin my schooling at this four-day conference.

Thanks to William C. Gordon for funding the scholarship, Kathryn Petrocelli at Book Passage for her delightful emails, and Hallie Ephron for her suggestion that I check out this conference. But most of all, thank you to someone I’ve never met or had contact with—Katherine Bolger Hyde—for taking the time to blog about her experience and inspire someone a thousand miles away to follow in her footsteps.

San Francisco, here I come!